stories of my life

When I was a kid I used to think that happiness in life was all about big happenings, great strokes of luck and flushy stuff. And so I started looking for extraordinary things, I waited for special events to happen but I was missing the real happiness the small things and the small victories, I didn't appreciate what really mattered: the sun on my skin the feeling of walking barefoot in a field the smile on a stranger's face the taste of a freshly baked pie the lyrics of an old song the warmth of my grandma's hands the smell in the air just before it starts to rain the satisfaction of my first paycheck the freedom you feel when you drive at night with the windows down and the music loud the sadness you feel when you finish reading a really good book the smell of coffee in the morning, when you just woke up. Those little and maybe trivial feelings are what real happiness is about.

  If you care for me It will show clearly In your words that you speak In the touch that I feel In the eyes That you have Looking into mine with right feelings Your soul with entwined mine And so will your emotions. It will all show if you love The expressions expressed The smile vibrant The laughter and the zest Your enthusiasm and the zeal. It will all show crystal clear The feelings you have for me No matter how much you try to hide  It will flow into me Following where ever I be Until it overpowers me   And I can feel it all In the way you care The words you share Tears you shed Concern you show Always on your toe   It all tells me extremely clearly  That without guesses I speak here surely It's love with the capitals there and I know it was always there And I know it will always be here for me, for us. 

If all I do  Is watch the night sky  In my jammie  Taking in damp air  sitting on the terrace Living the moment I"ll be fine without you. If all I do  Is going on a drive  Outside the town & watch the drop of water over the mirror of our car I"ll be smiling through drizzle rainy days. If all I do  Is sipping my favorite hazelnut coffee In my favorite coffee house  & scribbling eternity of words  On the beloved sitting corner. If all I do  Is sit alone write about things I miss most  & have my favorite snacks I"ll be at peace without complaining about anything. If all I do  Is just spend my weekend With lying close to someone  & talk about the issue I'm facing  & someone solving my dilemmas I"ll be loving him a lot  More than I ought to. If all I do  Is not spend my time overthinking  & making my own assumptions I"ll not write this intense & harsh reality of mine. ...

This is how we lose the era we cherish, One day at a time With one less call & more thoughts. On the Activa ride home I watch the city Sky in many shades Colour blending into each other As if they don't care  But within a minute they were apart  But how do we fix it? This is how we lost the era we cherish, One day at a time, Where we ride in the opposition direction, One less phone call, One more unread message,  & one less person to love. When I feel distant from everyone I sit in the balcony  Starting those yellow leaves turning green  & let the sky color me blue. On those days when I was happy I only write about faiths &  the soul who loves me  & Told me you are the best. I remember that was last autumn  Where I had stop overthinking, Where I don't give a damn about anything Just living & enjoying. & this is what I mean When I say I can taste memories I know the feel of autumn On my mind & heart. But ...

 When I say I want more I mean more flower on bad days, I mean more coffee on my worst days, More video call with my loved ones, More righteous chitchat,  & some bad jokes. When I say I want more That doesn't mean  subtle & fancy dress or shoes I mean some mountains & Maggie or some white lilies, Sunshine & the curtains that dance in the breeze I mean chants of a wind chime in the balconies, Candle night coffee with to all the boy's movie. When I say I want more That mean no more bad days I mean more quiet peace moments & some rays,  More is not a voracious things For me, it's a pleasant thing in a better way.

  I wish there were more things That could spark hope You know it's a bit odd  & a lot shabby, I know it's not poetic  But let's go to the point  Being alone sucks  Scrolling feeds, 100's of messages on social media  & then avoiding everyone sucks too. Seeing all those close people, your BFF Posting shit sending streak Feels like why I'm here, why not there, It tears me apart Because  I don't know what I'm doing  Even sometimes it feels like I knew it But then I get a sudden feeling like "is it worthy enough". But yeah I know this season  I'm being selfish  Thinking about me & my career But why not? Why should I feel guilty  Choosing my career first as a priority, It's not that poetic, right? Yeah, it's a reality. Everyday living the same life Entangled with same work Seeing other stories feeling jealous, It's like trapped  in the same cage Well let's say reality always suck Now let make this poetic , The clouds kee...

All my life  I have been trying to walk on straight lines Because my mama told me from my tot till today, To measure what comes out of my mouth.  Living in the 21st century  & being blunt & honest women, Is entirely indigestion to fogy-prone people. Extra miles and meters of spilled truth from my mouth Could ruin my image of being a decent woman. Being raised in an Orthodox family  They grasp me zillions of time Tattooed me unknowingly, To tie my tongue with the words of decency,  & seal my lips with morality stamps  & hide my opinion in my back pocket  Whether it's right or wrong. Mostly I was advised to Sit back and listen to all the old age buzzes, I was never advised to Lay my opinions out of the box, Unrestricted. Because of this  I never learned when and how  To raise the right question or sentiments   & now I became more like a less talkative girl in this 21st century, Who is longing to be heard Without an...

Those beautiful memories were so painful to forget, I was hurting & dying in pain, But the pain couldn't go away, Yet somehow I managed to forget those beautiful moments with you. Memories, time & your face I forget everything about us But when we met some days ago You bring back me down to memory lane. A life without pain,  a life with you, Chasing sunset in the car with you  Genuine kiss followed by silly talks Things we did when we were dating. The day I met you you told me  That's it's your mistake you had done wrong, you're sorry for it,  & you want another shot. But somewhere I with my Tired eyes, hopeful heart, frail bones & stubborn eyes  Told you 'no I am over with that phase'. Still, you read my eyes  Told me what I want  You were so close & Yet so far away. You try to convince me to shield our love & betrayal our lust for others.  you know I still feel for you But somewhere I am afraid of the same thi...

There comes a time When life is testing me With the things,  I thought it was under control & that was the time when I step out of the comfort zone. I am remembering the time  When I thought of going to stranger & vent out loud,  & speak to them about what's hurting me. Sometimes I want the people  To look at my eyes & read what it says. I want someone to take me out of the cage, Which is making to control my life. But absolutely things don't happen in a way we want them  After a time, you won't be sad anymore After a time, you'll laugh at the things that made you cry yesterday. After a time, you'll live your life happy not in a controlled way. After a time, you'll again see yourself as you were earlier: happy strong & worthy capable women. After a time, you'll reach where ever you want you to be  & then this pain would look like a small part of your journey.

On a pretty long drive, With romantic songs & my hand in your hands You asked me a question,  "Tell me about yourself" You hold my hand close to you & tried to make me comfortable. & for that moment, I started to believe you. Unless or until  Your hand drives into my fabric topwear. And then you make eye contact with your puppy eyes & what wonders me now  Does that question really matter to you, Or is it a way to put your hand inside my thin shirt. I remember It was a weekend We were enjoying the sunset on our favourite spot. & I was really happy  Coz I was thinking  I have found someone  Who would love me, Even in my pyjamas. We were listening to songs With a cup of coffee  in a warm cold twilight. & suddenly you ask me a question "What you like most" I blush & I answer him "you" He told me why  I told him "About how I truly love you, How I love your promises"  But I don't know that these promises had conditions,...

Sunset reminds me of ending, Ending of the beautiful day, Day that was beautiful. I  just realized, after a minute, My mind got stuck in thoughts, Thoughts that are wondering, what will happen next day, will it be as beautiful as today, or it would feel same way as now! It makes me sad, That I am saying goodbye to one more beautiful day, as for me, saying goodbye remains one of the hardest thing to do, especially when I know about tomorrow, the days are going to be more worse than other previous days. as I already know , I am saying goodbye to the persons whom I had Thought . I would be spending my whole life & my days will be more beautiful with him. now it seems like, its beyond painful & sad,  but that's the  reality about the life! sometimes we have to let it go for ourself  or just because the person we love is not adoring us anymore. sometimes people have to go away, just because our destiny doesn't want us together. Some people have to go, just be...

There are times when you forget what you really want from your life,   sometimes someone or you only just ask yourself "why you are here, what you want to do" and all this blah blah!! & that makes you more frustrated. moreover, confusion diverts us what truly matters. Sometimes you or someone close from your life, don't believe your work just because your astrology is not good. some astrologers told your family that you never ever will get succeeded in whatever you do or some pundits said that you will only get an average qualification as that's what written in your stars. When all this stuff you heard about yourself from your childhood only. You become crappy & eventually, that's what actually happens to you, you started to assume. You started to ignore your little voice inside you. But never forget everyone has an encouraging person who always believes you & motivates you who will never give up on you, & almost try to guides you i...

Nowadays I met a lot of strangers, Sad & lost just like me. We build the walls around To keep sadness away & enjoy the fullest. Once I met a stranger, Who said, Would you like to have some conversations? I said well okay! In the meantime We exchange a lot of words & find some common interest. Eventually, he said Would you like to come back To my home with me I said, sorry well no way! I ain't interested In the one night stand He said No, it will be one unchain night. He said We will vanish our walls. Instead of taking our clothes, We will take our feelings off! Your head will be on my shoulder, You can keep crying, & tell me about your pain. I'll take care of you, As a fragile being. Then When there will be morning We'll just part our ways No names, no digits, no text It will be just one vent night. We will be strangers again, with no name Who shares & forget everything!!!

By the age of twenty, What one can realise You are surrounded  by nasty person  You can't fight for truth Or make revolutions Just you can be voice opinion  & that's what  I intend to attain. All I seek is little bit truce  Little prosperity As little as 50 cents of happiness Just like  Finding money in your jacket which you wore last winter. Or  maybe completing the seasons of "must-watch series" Yes That also count on what I crave the most. Life is hardly a fairy tale There is no prince  Or Cinderella & hardly some happy stories Life is all about little things & little bit fun. Anyways, sometimes I wonder  What will the cost of heart As the human heart is huge  than the 50 cents of happiness I wonder what will be the cost of the string that attaches two human heart together. Cotton candy cloud Chocolate bars, bubble all around me, streets covered with t...

I am back in the city which I am not sure I can call "home" anymore. Yes, it is true that I have a house here a 2 storey building right across the street where my parents lived, who with each passing nights are near the twilights of their lives. I know I am here for my quarantine vacation but I am not sure I will be comfortable or not.  I know everyone here loved me or recognize me so well but as time passes by things go different. Indeed it's a universal truth "home is a place of comfort & love" & yeah I am comfortable here it's just that I am afraid of waking up late, nagging of my parents, & I am afraid of the unusual lifestyle of my hostel. Moreover, I am afraid of my neighbor, family friends gazing on me & their unusual question, but I know I can cop up with this with my mom's made magical food which I have been craving for so long, the sibling with their emotional drama & most awaited late night walks with my friend...

 yes I am a big hoarder of stuff. Stuff that might make no sense to you,  But yeah I am a collector of useless & meaningful things  Like the  old friendship band I got in primary, the wrapper of chocolate given to me with love or the minion which is being gifted by my mum.  Ever since I was a child my elder's always thought me to store all the memories in the brain box of mine & I did this by keeping Little reminder of those moments inside an old box which may seem usual to you but for me, it's a treasure chest. Probably as special as your favorite makeup vanity kit for you. But the main cause of holding things till now is that I always remember good memories with the bad memories. I never know when it's the time to let the awful memories go. Even I have a soulful collection with these good moments more than people in it. I get lost in those moments, I imagine them & try to relive them but I never really know how to let the things go whe...